We need ourselves and we need each other.

As much as we want to do it alone, have it “our way”, and do it all by ourselves what we sometimes do is push away the support we so badly need. On the other hand, when we outsource every personal need, ask others to answer our deepest inquiries, rely too heavily on the world and people around us to guide us and give us the answers, we might end up feeling more lost and alone than we did in the first place.

So how do we balance our individual desires and needs with the innate interdependency of humanity? So how do we teeter on the nuanced fence of being fully steeped in our truth and allowing the help and support of others? We all want to be our own self-governing body and autonomy is an essential part of being a human. Making our own choices, tending to our individual needs and living a life that we WANT is part of this magical journey of being human. But while hyper independence is praised and revered in our culture it can be a response to having your sovereignty taken away. It can be an act of rebellion toward a codependent parent, friend or partner.  It can be a reaction to having your truth denied. It can be a response to many things… 

I read an article awhile back in The Atlantic about the impact of hyper-individuality during a pandemic. It’s an interesting idea to explore in the context of a pandemic. The article brings up really thoughtful points about how individuality came to be and how it shapes our current world. How do we make resonant choices for ourselves when the result could negatively impact people around us?

Paving our own path can exist alongside being able to receive the help, guidance and support we need. It can also exist while having regard for nature, ancient wisdom and humanity. Standing in our truth can exist along side caring about others. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. It can be both. They don’t have to exist in isolation and neither do you. 

Making your own choices can happen with a full crew behind you. The important thing is that YOU are the one choosing your crew. It’s also important to know when your choices are yours and when they aren’t. Sometimes, when we are following the beliefs of a family system, community or a group of people, we can mistakenly fall into a group choice that isn’t aligned with our personal values or beliefs. Am I doing this because it’s what I want or am I doing this because I think I should? Because I need to or because I want to? At what point am I prioritizing the needs of others over my own? When we prioritize the needs and desires of other over our own, we send a message to ourselves, “I don’t matter.” When we challenge our worth with our actions, it makes it more difficult to honor the worth in others.

So what does this balance look like in REAL LIFE? Having a “square squad” as Brené Brown would call it, is important. People who support you, love you and whose opinions and perspectives you actually value. She calls it a “square squad” because the list of names is not long, it can fit on a tiny piece of paper. Way too often we prioritize the perspectives and opinions of people we barely know. We don’t even know we are doing it! We make choices based on things, people and events that aren’t even important to us! When we do this it creates a conflict within be cause we forget about what’s important to us and blend it with what’s important to others.

When faced with a choice or decision need support with, reach out to someone who’s perspective you value someone on your short list, your “square squad”. Not someone who you may not respect or consider a support on your life. You can have a “square squad” for different areas of your life. Work, family, relationships, parenting, health. The list can go on. We need different people at different times and when we aren’t clear who we might need when, we could end up pushing people away or relying on someone who can’t support us in the ways we might need.

Being a sovereign human being doesn’t mean we reject others or that we do our own thing and simply forget about everyone else. It means that we are in clear relationship with ourselves so that all relationships in our lives have the potential to clear and intentional. It means that we love and care about others because we have practiced love and acceptance with ourselves. It means that showing up for ourselves allows us to show up more fully in the world around us.